Confessions.

Lately, more-so than ever before, I have fell into a deep depression. Sadly and admittingly this is a feeling that has pretty much plagued me for as long as I could logically remember. The reasons have varied, the feeling has temporarily been evaded, but it has always returned, and I fear that it always will despite my best efforts. I understand that happiness is a "journey not a destination" but perhaps for some it is neither. In my moments of evanescent bliss, I am ultimately overcome with the fear that like everything I know, it will soon fade and be swiftly replaced with anxiety, disappointment and an overall feeling of dissatisfaction. What is happiness really? Is it an illusion? Why won't I ever know?

Now, I would like to avoid exposing too much of my personal life and past but, basically I have not been "blessed" with a fortunate life. I have never experienced wealth, or true or unconditional love. My childhood is skewed and bruised with broken memories and my early adulthood is a constant battle with self-esteem. My life as a whole has been a consistent reminder of "not being good enough" in every aspect. Family, work and school. Family, I don't mind considering it is ultimately unavoidable, work and school is what really gets me. Not that I am against "working" for things or being "educated" but the manner in which they are enforced is deeply troubling.

On the subject of work, words simply do not give justice to how fervently I am against the whole monetary institution. Perhaps if I were fortunate enough to have a large amount of money, I would beg to differ, but I don't so I am going to be militantly against it at this point. At any rate, as I mentioned in my previous entry , we are produced without the notion of choice and not only that but we, for the most part, are forced into a job where we work for a fake system of currency only to survive. Not even to have nice or frivolous things, but to eat and have a place to rest. I am just at a loss for words as to how disconcert this makes me feel, I am washed out with a wave of anger. I hate with the biggest passion that humans have become robots, we aren't give the time to appreciate, to love and to wonder. We are given work and in turn given money, which we just put back into the pointless system, only to be redone. Our lives have become redundant, we are career-oriented machines, we are pleasing a standard that we have not created.

Today, in order to even get a job you have to be "educated." And by educated that means attend an institution where other people are teaching you by their standards. Learning in this case is an act of being told things and simply remembering them and maybe even sometimes, comprehension. What bothers me about this is that people just "learn" things and accept them, we don't challenge the things we are told. Who is to say that everything we are being told is what is actually true? And say we are successful at this, and continue to graduate through all levels up through college to earn a degree. What is a degree? A piece of paper that gives you bragging rights. Anyone can study and get a good grade, regurgitate the things they read or are told and sound intelligent, but how many people are truly intuitive? I feel like today school is a robot factory, teaching everyone the same things in order to be the same people. Einstein has a quote that I really like. He says "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

So, not only are we forced to be educated so that we can work, but we have to look good doing it too! I have expressed many times my discontent with the value that people place on looks and I have always gotten the answer "That's just how society works." Yeah...it is how society works but that doesn't mean that's how it should work. I get that people should be healthy and people should take care of themselves if they would like to live a long and prosper existence, but truly, why does it matter? If you like the way you look, or if you simply do not care at all, that's what should matter. People are living to please other people, we go to school because we are told that's the right thing to do, we get a job because we generally have no other choice, and we look a certain way in the hopes that other people won't make fun of you, or will just like you. I have an idea, if people would focus on themselves and their own "happiness" we wouldn't have to worry about other people, they would be concerned with themselves as well. I realize that making others happy is an important part of some people's lives but other people making us happy shouldn't be an important part of our own.

P.S. I would just like to remind anyone who happens to read this, that for the time being I am blindly pounding away at the keyboard into an empty text box, so I apologize if my thoughts are jumbled to the point of being incomprehensible.